School+Scenes

School Scene By Harrison Pyros

(A group of students are quietly mulling around a classroom. Thomas and Zack are sitting on desks playing cards, Oscar has his face buried in a book, Angela is talking with Sandy, David is staring dreamily at Angela, and Maria is staring at David.)

Zack. How long does it take our geezer of a teacher to use the bathroom?

Thomas. I know. We’ve been sitting here for, what? Thirty minutes?

Angela. But I have to say, I like this a lot better than a regular class. I mean, I’m not saying he’s boring or anything—

Zack. But he is.

Angela. And I’m not saying he’s a bad teacher or anything…

Sandy. He’s terrible. Don’t even try to defend him, Angela.

Oscar. Will you guys please speak softer?

Zack. (Jumps up and yells excitedly.) Full house! I win!

Oscar. Shut up!

Thomas. Just read your book, Oscar.

Oscar. Well, I’m trying, but—

David. (Cutting him off.) Why do you think he’s taking so long?

(After slight frustration, Oscar begins to read again.)

Maria. Probably because he’s so old.

Sandy. Not exactly, Mary.

Maria. Actually, my name is Maria.

Sandy. Sure it is.

Angela. Well, why exactly is he taking so long, Sandy?

Sandy. Do you remember when we got our projects back on Wednesday?

David. Yeah. Why?

Sandy. He gave me a C because he didn’t like my topic. It was a standard in the text book and everything. But he said he didn’t like reading about nearby galaxies. That’s the only reason. He didn’t like the subject. Everything else—the writing, the artwork—was fine.

Maria. That’s so stupid! What an idiot.

Sandy. I know.

Thomas. So how does this relate to him using the facilities and what not?

Sandy. I baked him some brownies. I may or may not have accidentally poured in a whole box of chocolate laxatives.

(Everyone gasps.)

Oscar. You did what?

Thomas. That’s hilarious!

Angela. That’s so evil. Why would you do that?

Sandy. Why wouldn’t I?

(Mr. Benson comes into the room.)

Benson. Okay. I’m back. (Everyone returns to their seats.) Oh, and before the period ends, I need to tell you guys you have a report due next week.

David. Another?

Benson. Partners are optional. And—oh. (Presses his hands to his stomach.) Oh, God. I need to go. Class dismissed! (Runs offstage.)

Sandy. (Calling after him.) Did you like the brownies?

Benson. (Offstage.) Very much so!

David. (Walks up to Angela.) Hey, Angela.

Angela. Hi, David.

David. I was kind of wondering if you could, uh, if you could—

Thomas. (Pushes David aside onto the floor. To Angela.) You want to be partners, Angela?

Angela. Um, I guess so Thomas. Bye. (She and Sandy exit.)

(Zack and Oscar exit.)

Thomas. (To David.) David, I can see you like Angela, and I get that. But let me tell you this: she’s mine and I will have her. Not you. So back off or things will get ugly. (Thomas exits.)

Maria. Do you need some help up, David?

David. (Gets up.) I’m fine, Marla. (Exits.)

Maria. It’s Maria!

Library (Everyone except Benson is in the library. Angela is explaining something to Thomas, Zack is selling hot dogs in the corner, Oscar is buried in a different book, Sandy is asleep on a large encyclopedia, David is looking at Angela from a different table, and Maria is watching David.)

Angela. Does it make sense now?

Thomas. Yeah, totally. (Angela looks down in the book and Thomas mouths “What?” in confusion.)

Zack. (Calling like a salesman.) Hot dogs! Come get your hot dogs!

Oscar. Shut! Up!

Zack. (Like his feelings are hurt.) Hot dogs?

Angela. He does know he’s supposed to be selling hot dogs in the cafeteria, right?

Thomas. I don’t know. Zack is…not the sharpest person.

(Thomas walks over to Zack.)

Zack. Do you want a hot dog, Thomas?

Thomas. What are you doing, Zack? You do know you’re supposed to be selling hot dogs in the cafeteria, right?

Zack. Really? Is that why that guy over there keeps telling me to shut up?

Thomas. You think?

Zack. That librarian lady over there kept yelling at me, but I just thought she was crazy. Oh yeah, and did you notice David over there in creeper “lovey-dovey” mode staring at Angela.

Thomas. (Looks over at David. David is now looking at Angela as he picks a book from the shelf.) Ugh. He just doesn’t get a message, does he?

Zack. (Shrugs.) I don’t know.

Thomas. I know what to do. Here, give me some ketchup packets.

Zack. (Hands him the packets.) Okay, that’ll be $16.95.

Thomas. Yeah, right.

Zack. You better pay me back.

Thomas. Don’t hold your breath.

(Thomas casually walks over and places the packets on David’s seat while David is still staring at Angela. Thomas returns next to Angela.)

Angela. So why was he selling hot dogs here in the first place?

(At that moment, David sits down and ketchup splatters. Some hits Sandy who is still sleeping and she gives a loud snore. Maria somehow blocks it with a book.)

Zack. Wasn’t me! (Hurriedly exits.)

Oscar. Ugh! My book! (Exits angrily.)

Angela. Oh my God, it’s in my hair and on my blouse…I’m going to the bathroom. (Exits.)

David. What the hell is wrong with you, Thomas?

Thomas. I told you to back off, David. So what do you do? Make googly-eyes at her in the library. And now I bet Angela thinks you’re a total dork with a big ketchup stain on your butt. Bye! (Exits.)

Maria. (Going up to David.) Don’t worry, David. I think you look hot with ketchup on you.

David. Go away, Mandy.

Maria. It’s Maria!

(She walks away angrily as Oscar reenters, wiping his book with a sanitizing towel.)

Benson. (Enters and sees the ketchup. Goes to David.) Is this your ketchup?

David. What? No, I—

Benson. Come with me. (Take him by the ear.) You’re going to detention.

David. Oh, come on! (Both exit.)

Maria. (Goes to Oscar.) Oscar, you’re smart. Do you know why David never remembers my name?

Oscar. Well, Mariella is a hard name to remember.

Maria. It’s Maria!

(She exits again and Oscar shrugs then exits.)

Sandy. (Gives another snore and wakes up. Looks around and sees the ketchup.) What the hell just happened here? ** Next Day ** (Everyone except Zack, Maria, and Angela are onstage.)

David. (Goes up to Thomas.) You. I’ve had enough of you, Thomas. You don’t deserve Angela! (They begin to fight in slow-motion.)

Sandy. Why are they fighting in slow-motion?

Oscar. I don’t know. Just go with it.

Sandy. ’Kay.

Angela. (Walk on. Sees the fight.) What’s going on here?

Sandy. They’re fighting in slow-mo.

Angela. Not that. I mean, why are they fighting?

Oscar. I guess I have to explain this. Thomas and David both like you. Now Thomas has been humiliating David so he’ll look better for you. So David is the actual nice one and Thomas is the jerk.

Benson. And David can’t seem to remember Martha’s—

Maria. (Offstage.) It’s Maria!

Benson. (Continues as if she never spoke.) —name even though she’s had a crush on him since the first grade.

Sandy. How do you know that?

Benson. Facebook is a powerful thing.

Angela. Well aren’t you going to stop that?

Benson. Nah. It’s very interesting.

Angela. (Pushes him away.) Then move you old geezer!

Benson. I’m only twenty-four!

Sandy/Oscar. (Recoil.) Ew!

Oscar. And you look like that?

Angela. (Slaps Thomas.) Thomas you’re the biggest donkey I’ve ever seen. Go away. And David. I’m sorry. Want to walk with me?

David. Sure. (They both exit.)

Sandy. Well, this is boring now.

(Oscar, Sandy, and Benson exit leaving Thomas alone onstage.)

Thomas. B-But…what…I…who…?

Maria. (Enters. Sympathetic.) It’s okay, Thomas. You’ll find the right girl.

Thomas. Get lost, Meena. (Exits.)

Maria. IT’S MARIA!