The+Bank+Robbery

The Bank Robbery //(//**Amber**//, a desk clerk, is behind the counter, absent-mindedly checking her nails.// **Lynn** //is waiting impatiently in line.// **Officer Peter** //is standing at the front door, about to fall asleep. The// **Robber** //slips in and moves towards the counter and// **Amber**//.)// **Amber**. //(Not interested.)// Next. **Lynn**. //(She starts forward, but the// **Robber** //quickly cuts in front of her and goes to the desk first.)// What the—? Hey! I was in front. I was before you! You can’t just do that. You can’t just cut in front of me like that! //(Freaking out.)// I was here first. If I don’t go now, I’ll be late for the library, and it’ll close, and I won’t be able to return my book. And then I’ll have to pay a fee! A fee! Do you know how much those things are? It’ll drain my whole savings. **Robber**. //(Cutting her off.)// Hey, lady. //(Pause.)// Shut up. //(//**Lynn** //is taken aback over-dramatically like someone just said the worst thing to her.)// **Officer**. //(His head is down as he sleeps. He makes a loud snort, which wakes him up. He looks around in confusion and then falls back to sleep with a grunt.)// **Amber**. Hey, lady. Are you coming or not? //(The// **Robber** //comes up to the counter. Dull.)// Hi, welcome to Blackwood Bank. I’m Amber. What can I do for you, miss? **Robber**. //(Pulls out a gun and points it at// **Amber**//, trying not to attract attention. In a low voice.)// You can give me all the money. **Amber**. Okay, now is that credit or debit? **Robber**. Wait, what? No, I have a gun here. I’m robbing you. Give me the money. **Lynn**. What? What! You have a gun? I can’t be part of a bank robbery! I can’t be a hostage //now//. I have to return this book and then I have to go and pick up dinner. Then I have to walk the dog and then feed the baby. Wait, do I even have a baby? **Robber**. Will you shut up? **Lynn**. No I will not shut—//(//**Robber** //points gun at// **Lynn**//, who immediately stops talking.)// **Officer**. //(Finally wakes up.)// I’d better go over there. //(Stretches as he walks over.)// Now what is the problem here? **Amber**. This lady apparently doesn’t know how a bank works. She thinks she can just take all the money because she asked. Idiot. **Lynn**. It’s a robbery, you blonde! **Robber**. (Pointing gun at her.) I told you to be quiet! **Amber**. A bank robbery? //(Pulls out manual from behind counter.)// I’m not sure what to do in a bank robbery, but “the customer’s always right.” //(Starts flipping through pages.)// **Officer**. //(Draws weapon.)// All right, now. Drop your weapon. //(The// **Robber** //sighs, then rears and hits// **Officer Peter** //across the face with her gun.// **Officer** //falls to the floor and the// **Robber** //picks up his gun.)// Oh! Ow! Jeez, what is in that thing? That was hard. Ow! **Amber**. //(Still looking in book.)// Ah, here it is. If robbery were to occur, press red button under the counter to inform police. Well, if you say so. //(She hits it.)// //(Simultaneously.)// **Robber**. No! **Lynn**. Yes! //(No longer together.)// **Robber**. That’s it. You. //(Points at// **Amber**//.)// Come here. On the floor next to Squeaky and Wimpy Cop. **Officer**. I’m hugely unqualified for this job. My gun isn’t even real! **Lynn**. Oh, come on! **Amber**. Hey, look. Cops. **Robber**. What? Already? **Amber**. LOL, JK. **Lynn**. What are you, stupid? Don’t anger the lady with the gun. Cause then—Cause then there’s a //bang//! And a //boom//! And a //woo//! And then we’re all dead. So just shut up, you moron. **Officer**. I didn’t say anything. **Lynn**. Not you. **Robber**. //(To// **Amber**//.)// Do you want to die? **Amber**. IDK. **Robber**. That’s it. If I have to kill a hostage, you’re the first to go. **Amber**. Well, you know, YOLO. **Lynn**. //(She makes a frustrated scream.)// Really? YOLO? I hate that thing! That anagram or acronym or whatever the heck it is. And YOLO: You Only Live Once? It ain’t true for everyone. What about Hindus, huh? And Buddhists? And their reincarnations and what not? Everyone seems to have forgotten about them. //(Looks at watch.)// Great! Now the library’s closed. Thanks a lot! Why couldn’t you just have robbed the freaking bank and left, lady? **Robber**. Okay, I change my mind. You’ll be the first one to go. **Lynn**. What? **Officer**. //(Feeling his head.)// Ah. Ah! This bump is starting to get bigger. Ow. Can I have some aspirin? **Robber**. //(Like she can’t believe he’s even asking.)// No. **Officer**. Well, it’s your fault I have a bump in the first place. **Robber**. You should be used to it from being dropped on your head as a baby. **Officer**. And was it my fault I was dropped? //No//. **Robber**. //(To all of them.)// I’m going behind the counter to get the money. You all stay right here. Try and run and I’ll shoot you right in the back. Got it? //(She// **exits**//.)// **Lynn**. //(After a moment of silence.)// What are we going to do? **Amber**. Don’t look at me. I don’t know. **Lynn**. //(Sarcastically laughs.)// Don’t worry, honey. I wasn’t counting on you. I was talking to you. //(Nods towards// **Officer Peter**//.)// I mean there must be some reason the bank hired you. **Officer**. Well, actually…my friend’s dad is kind of the manager here. **Lynn**. You’ve got to be kidding me. **Amber**. Well, what’s your idea? **Lynn**. Okay, how about this. You guys start making a bunch of noise and distract the robber chick. Then, when she’s focused on you two, I’ll sneak out and get to the safety of the police. But we have to make this snappy because I still need to walk my dog. **Officer**. Wait, but doesn’t that just leave both of us back in— **Lynn**. Shut your face and just do it. //(//**Lynn** //sneaks off to the side.)// Now. **Officer**/**Amber**. //(A chorus of different shrieks and calls.)// Like, Oh my God! Hey, robber chick! Boogly-boogly-boo! **Robber**. //(Comes running on.)// What? What is it? //(//**Lynn** //starts to slowly sneak offstage.)// **Officer**. Uh… **Amber**. //(Puts her index finger up in the air and takes a pause like she’s going to say something brilliant.)// YOLO. **Robber**. //(Seeing// **Lynn**//.)// Hey, you! //(Points the gun at// **Lynn**//.)// Freeze! //(The// **Robber** //fires the gun. She misses.)// **Officer**. Oh my, God! You almost shot her. **Lynn**. Holy, Cannoli! I was almost shot! I would’ve died right here and now! And then—And then I would’ve never been able to return my library book. **Amber**. I can’t believe you’re still on that library book thing. **Robber**. I can’t believe I missed. **Officer**. I can’t believe it’s not butter. **Amber**. Stop ripping off //Family Guy//. **Lynn**. Hello, almost died over here! **Robber**. All right, stand still so I can shoot you. **Lynn**. //(Starts running around.)// Evasive maneuvers, evasive maneuvers! **Officer**. //(Sneaks up behind the// **Robber** //and pulls out his can of pepper spray.)// Eat pepper spray! //(Sprays it. But it sprays the wrong way and goes into the// **Officer’s** //eyes. He falls to the floor screaming.)// **Robber**. What in the… **Amber**. //(Takes the manual from the counter. Hits the// **Robber** //in the face with it.)// Take that! **Robber**. //(As she is hit.)// Oh, my face! //(Falls to the floor unconscious.)// **Amber**. Good ol’ manual. //(Goes to// **Lynn**//.)// Hurry, let’s like, get out of here. //(Starts walk out the door.)// **Lynn**. Wait! What about the officer? Or more importantly: my library book. **Amber**. Forget it. Let’s go. //(//**Amber** //and// **Lynn exit**//.)//

**THE END**

**Amber**—Claire Dugger **Lynn**—Naira Demirchian **Robber**—Anndrea Garza **Officer Peter**—Harrison Pyros